Life at the crossroads...

Here I am, sitting at 3:00 AM on a Saturday night, awake... wide awake... wondering what to do with my life...

Life has not turned out the way i would have liked it to be... worst part is that I have none to blame... My own conscious decisions has brought me into this...

Looking from outside, I am actually doing pretty good... A job at State Bank of India as Asst Vice President with a handsome pay and max payout in every appraisal should be a dream  for anybody... My mom is proud about my job and my friends appreciate the quality of work we do... but it doesn't matter... I don't like being a Banker... there is a lot of compliance and audit requirements... u end up spending a lot of time creating documentation or sit with auditors to justify your past actions... It makes sense and it is very essential for the Bank... But I find it irritating... I am not creating any value for myself or generate business by doing this... I would like to spend my every minute generating revenue for my Company...

This has brought me into the obvious conclusion of making a switch... something other than Banking... something I would enjoy doing... But what is it??? I don't know... and that's why I am wide awake now...

I look back into my Engineering days at SVCE whenever I am not happy... Those were unquestionably the best days of my life... Myself with my 9 best friends... umm... I would rather call them brothers from a different mother... We had awesome time during those 4 years... Days just flew... We had nothing to worry about... never bothered about future plans... money kept coming in from Dad (and interestingly, none of us were into drinking or smoking... hmm yeah... we did not have any pain in life to take shelter under a cheap drug)... life was fun... ganging up against one in the group and teasing the bhakra by blowing up some petty thing was our favorite pass time... and yeah... extensive biking in and around Chennai with my close buds was bliss... none took offense about anything... it was pure friendship... we were bros... there was nothing called formality or ego between us... life could not have been more perfect...

Things have changed since then... Cognizant was little formal... IFMR was more... with many mature MBA aspirants around, you are required to watch your words... Finally came State Bank of India... I find myself so out of place here... its all diplomacy here... Well, to aptly put it, it is a very professional environment... I did put in all my efforts to break the ice... but the results were just a few... hmm... probably this is why I hate it here... SBI is a great place to be... its just me who is the misfit...

I realize its high time I plan for the future and settle down... Now that I am looking long, I guess it makes sense to spend some time to weigh the options... Options??? What are they?? hmmm... I want to be happy... Now whats happiness??? hmm... well, its probably doing what U love to do... so what is that I love to do??? I freaking don't know !!!

A safe bet is to become a Management Consultant and get married 3 yrs down the line... Consulting is something I would like to do... But marriage??? I am not sure... I have gone from never wanting to marry to being in a relationship... only to realize I am not a boy friend material... I am a typical guy kind of a guy... I am numb to what a girl might go through inside her brains... I am an outdoor person... Malls feel like cages to me... When the girl says nothing is wrong, I totally believe that nothing is wrong... I have my priorities... I only end up hurting myself and more so for the girl... marriage doesn't work for me i believe... and right now, I have more priorities than chasing skirt...

I got two more options... but they are extreme... first one is to become a Yogi... I have always been curious about meditation and Yogis... I believe sages are the happiest people on earth... I would like to try that path... I got tonnes to introspect... also, listening to troubled souls and providing guidance would be a nice thing to do in life (I am not sure what kinda guidance I could come up with my whacky mind though)... but I sure am gonna try that path... it keeps you away from the biggest evil... money...

The last option is to make tonnes of money... make money while enjoying the path towards making money... Starting a Business is the best solution... I am looking at various business opportunities which I would like to pursue... I don't wanna get into something which will provide me the highest margin... that will be just making money and not a satiating journey... my random picks at the moment will be something like an adventure sports club, a vacation resort inside the wild, breeding puppies, aqua culture or just about anything that I would actually enjoy doing... sounds good... But I don't possess a great history in conducting business... we tried software development during Cognizant days... there was demand... but we were not committed... money was not our motivation and none of us wanted to take the risk of quitting our job and getting into our petty Company full time... our first Company Shurro went through a natural death...

I am at the cross roads now... again, totally free to make my choice... a lone clueless boy with no strings attached... This time I wanna do it right... I know becoming a Yogi or starting a business involves a lot of pain and sacrifice... But procrastination has not done me any good till now... I believe its better to be early than to regret later... It is a tough call... choosing a way of life needs guts... and this is the right time for that transition... its only going to be a matter of time now... hell yeah... I am gonna do it !!!

Dream Girl !!! err... the Girl in my Dream...

It was a lazy sunday morning... I guess it must be 7:00 AM... I could feel the warmth of sun rays over my leg which is now outside the quilt... I could hear the random chirps of sparrows... I dont want to wake up now !!!

slowly im attracted to the aroma from kitchen... Its my wife making morning Coffee... It was as good as someone holding a bunch of coffee beans right next to my nose... OMG... I am picturing a big mug of hot coffee full of froth... "Mike... Wake up !!!", she commands... Im rolling over to the other side, eyes still closed... "Wake up !!! Didnt you want to shower the dog in the morning???"... I slowly slide down the sheet from my face... The water sprinklers are ON over the lush green lawn... Mickey is jumping around and playing with his plastic bone... The dew is not yet gone from the window glass panes... It was a beautiful morning...

"Turn around and have your coffee dear"... she is patting over my shoulder blade... I slowly turn around... My vision goes blank for a second because of my continuous staring out at the bring light... Slowly the room lights up within my eye... she is sitting beside me on the bed... I perform my big loud yawn stretching my arms wide... oooohhhh... there was a sudden chill... my wrist ran through her long and wet hair... I quickly retreat my arms and Im taking a good look at her...

I see an angel who just descended from heaven... a newly blossomed flower... drips of water from her hair are running down her arms and the sun rays are making them glow like pearls... she is wearing my over sized Tee and a pajama... I take a closer look at her face... the flawless and glowing skin makes me want to feel it... she is smiling at me... the teeth arrangement reminds me of a vast Mughal building with similar sized arches... her lips are pale rose with two red marks... I curse myself for what an animal I had been... damn... how can somebody hurt those !!!

I suddenly realize she is arching her brows... she is wondering what I am staring at and whats going on in my mind... Im looking into her eyes now... Im not sure about time travel... But I can swear that time does freeze... our eyes are locked... she has cat eyes... they have always left me mesmerized... I dont want to look away... "Mike !!!" she is shaking me by my shoulders and holding my favorite filter coffee near my face... The coffee did invite me... But I chose not to take it... I hold her tender hands and move it towards the table with eyes still locked... "What are you doing??? Have your coffee first, naughty boy", she is trying to shrug with her naughty smile...

I break the eye contact, release the cup from her hands and place it on the table... she is turning pink...her eyes are glistening trying to guess what Im going to do next... I overpower her, turn her around and pull her with me to the bed... I am now hugging her from behind with one of my legs around her legs locking her with me... "Cheeeee... dirty boy... leave me... let me go away... I just had my shower... go brush first..."... she goes on with her yapping fully aware its not going to have any effect on me... I hug her closer... I could feel her warmth on me... she feels like a soft and long pillow to me... I dig my nose into her hair... The tingling sense along with her aroma makes me wanna stay like that for ever... she is still trying to wriggle out of my embrace... I just wont listen... I slowly breathe into her ears... I could see the goose bumps on her arms... I hug her even closer and close my eyes... wanting to sleep for some more time... with my girl in my arms...

Savage Garden's Truly Madly Deeply is running on my mind...

I want to stand with you on a mountain...
I want to bathe with you in the sea...
I want to lay like this forever...
Until the sky falls down on me...

God and Selling Hope !!!

I never enjoyed losing to anybody... I was the topper of my class from the time I can remember to 8th Standard... A girl named Kamalin always gave me a tough fight for my 1st Rank & Gold star report card... Once during 5th Std, having always given my best efforts in studies, I thought differently and prayed to God that Kamalin should screw her exams... She did... She called ill and did not attend classes till the end of exams... wow... I was so proud of Jesus having overpowered the God of her faith that I dropped 10 bucks into the offering box (a big part of my small savings at that point of time)... Many such instances followed and i never missed to payback in hot cash... and yeah... I was a choir boy at that point of time (for those who dont know Choir boys: These are the bunch of innocent and dumb looking youngsters dressed in white and sitting near the altar of the Church... Prime duty is to sing for Jesus and recite verses from the Holy Bible)... I believed sitting in the altar brought me extra close to God that my prayers were answered instantaneously... I even managed to brake a Christian Guy's arm through my prayers for just 50 bucks... all went well till the time I learned to think and ask why ???

Ask why??? Why did religion come into existence??? This is one perspective of how religion came in... Anarchism !!! Anarchists gave a tough time to the general mass and even stood up against the King... having not being able to control this particular group of people, somebody more powerful than the king... somebody immortal... a super power who is above law, Rajnikanth and everything had to come in... d superpower can order to  dip u into Shakti Masala and fry u in an Oil pan for eternity... thats d fear factor !!! Also, cute and sweet souls should be rewarded and pampered for eternity... hence came heaven... Surprisingly, this is the same "Carrot and Stick" concept MBA buggers are trying to learn by shelling out a fortune !!!

The question is not whether God exists... that discussion can happen till d day u die and endup finding it by yourself... a more sensible question will be, "How is God relevant in current times?"... According to me, do anything you want and everything you want... just make sure your actions dont hurt others in any way... If somebody can totally live with this philosophy, according to me, God is irrelevant... I'm trying to embrace this idea and I find this very comfortable and logical... By not hurting others, you will be perfectly within the laws of every land... By doing anything to yourself, you get to live by your free will and learn to take ownership of your actions... Not having a God to blame for failures will turn a person more sensible, logical and practical... This also gives the courage to face defeat and take corrective measures rather than crying to the sky... I am the God... I choose the carrot by doing the right thing or I let the stick up for not doing so...

However, God will still be necessary... for the one who lost the entire family in a tragic accident... for the pregnant mother when the Doc says he is not sure... for the stock trader when the large market goes crashing... for the one who cannot control the destiny... for the one who looks for HOPE !!!

Religion sells hope and nothing more... We all need a fallback... God's wish to blame when we dont get there... God's grace to thank when we do get there... Religion keeps us humble... also presents us a false sense of security... it is indeed essential... for the one who doesnt believe in himself...

P.S.: What if God does exist and this Blog is readout loud before my Heaven or Hell verdict??? Dear God, please treat me as a Hindu... Im not so fond of playing Harps wearing those boring white Gowns... I hear you getto do Chammak Challo with Rambha and Oorvasi in the other camp !!!

Tamil...Tamilian... & TamilNadu

I still remember the days i sang Jana Gana Mana in the school assembly... never had a clue for why i did and what it meant... it was sheer compulsion... Did the Central Govt think they can induce patriotism this way??? bollocks !!!

Anti-Hindi agitations started in TamilNadu as early as 1937... down the times, Central Govt wanted state govt officers to learn Hindi (even for officials posted within TN), Doordarshan was mandated to telecast Hindi stuff for a substantial time slot, Govt offices were mandated to display Hindi boards and Tamilians went WTF boss???

Back in history, TamilNadu was hardly ever ruled by a foreign ruler... We had 3 dude kings Cheras, Cholas and Pandias... They fought like crazy among themselves, held the language above everything and when a foreign kind came invading, they joined hands and kicked ass !!! I hope this explains why Hindi never managed to get into the TN territory.

So here is the question... When none of us spoke Hindi or had the slightest interest to learn it, why try to push it down our throat??? Almost a Civil war erupted and Central Govt had to stand down. This is why Hindi never managed to become the National language of India.

Criticisms are the same. How do u communicate with rest of the World??? the answer is quite simple... English... when you got a local language and an international language, why bother with some "in-between" language???

enuff said... back to the Jana Mana Gana thingy... I never felt patriotic... I did feel inspired listening to Vande Mataram... But the credit goes to Rahman's music... To this day, I have no clue what the song means...

My argument is simple... India is a political boundary created by our so called leaders and for administrative purposes... Frankly, I dont feel belonging to India... I would either claim myself as a Tamilian or just a human in the world... According to me, if u belong to something, the something as a whole should reflect you. Sadly, India doesnt. The culture and languages are so diverse u just cant figure me out by knowing im an Indian. However, u can always stereotype me as a human or as a Tamilian and you will get close...

My frnd put forth two arguments... Hindi is essential for trade with the rest of our country and most importantly, to pick North Indian girls... I would strongly disagree with both. If trade is important, I would strongly advocate learning Mandarin... Not a thing moves without trading with the Chinese... and for the girls, It is my observation and experience that you are always better off not knowing Hindi while talking to a Hindi speaking girl... Its a great starter to learn few words from the girl and keep the conversation going...

Sufi songs does sound nice... but i dont know if any  language can get close to the richness of Tamil and the numerous words u can use to express your feelings... blame it on my ignorance...

bottomline... Tamilians will stay unique, aloof and different from the rest of the country... Its very tough to mix Aryan and Dravidian cultures that has evolved over the ages... but we do and will co-exist, like we did for ages... but for me any state other than TamilNadu will be as foreign as China or Africa or Europe... We do respect other languages and Cultures, but we cant grow into them... India as a whole doesnt mean anything...

The World and Everything - as I see it !!!

Years of Orkutting and then Facebooking has brought me into this conclusion... Browsing gets boring...

With nothing else worthwhile to do, here I am making my first attempt at blogging.

But whats the topic? I really dont know... I am opinionated... and most of the times it doesnt conform to the general belief... probably I'l make an attempt to sell my ideas through this... I expect the replies to be anything like "oh shit.. it never occurred to me", "you are a moron", "i dont think so... this is how it is..." or just anything... I'm gonna try and defend my ideas and views till someone else can convince me otherwise...

and any forewords to my blog readers???  yeah... this is totally just my point of view... you always have d right to correct me if im wrong... il be glad... else you can throw swear words to vent out your anger... il just feel sorry for you... or you can just leave and never return :)

Here are the list of things I think il talk about in the near future:

Tamil and TamilNadu (something that doesnt form a part of India)
God and selling hope (Emerging business opportunity)
Girls (What I see by how she dresses up)
Men and Machines
Office colleagues and the formal talks
Money and Stock Markets

P.S.: Im gonna be throwing a lot of philosophical gyaan or stunning quotes throughout the blogs... just dont be deceived... they are all things i heard somewhere or read sometime or just heard someone... it's gonna be so unfair of me to claim credit for those...

well... cheers and god save you !!!